I'll Miss You Running

It's been so long since I have gone for a run.

I honestly can't even remember the last time, but it must have been about 5.5 weeks ago. When I had the bleeding episode at 7 weeks I had to take it easy for awhile. Once I got the approval from my Dr and Midwife to start again (at least a week after no bleeding/spotting at all and to take it EASY) I was so nauseous I could barely make the walk from the train to my office at work, let alone go for a run. Plus, the summer heat was really starting to do a number on me.

So I just decided I wasn't going to worry about it. Some things are more important than running and right now I just needed my rest and try to make it through the first trimester.

So I rested. And on the few cooler days that came around, J and I would go for a walk after work. From our house, to the end of all the bars on Main Street and back, is a nice 2 mile walk. It was surprisingly hard. Not only was I constantly sick and dizzy but I had zero lung capacity left. Most of the time, I am more out of breath walking up the stairs in my house than I have ever been running any distance. It's so odd how quickly your body changes.

But recently, I have been getting restless. The past two weeks I have slowly been starting to feel a little better as far as the nausea goes. I still feel nauseous, but instead of it lasting from 11am-bedtime. It's last from 3-4pm-bedtime. Still sucks, but an improvement nonetheless.

So, I have been thinking about running again. Not a lot, but maybe two or three short runs a week. After coming back to blogland and reading about all your adventures in running, I realized how much I missed it. I hadn't had any bleeding in 6 weeks and got a clean bill of health from my perinatologist, so what was I so scared of? I would keep walking for a few more weeks, and then once it cooled down a bit, start with some slow walk-running again.

Then last Wednesday happened.

I woke up at 5:00am on the first day of my 12th week of pregnancy to a soaking wet bed. In my half-dazed state, I wondered if I had wet the bed. But come on. We have all had the dream where we were going to the bathroom only to wake up just in time to avert a crisis. And I didn't have that dream. As a matter of fact, I had to go.

So I stumbled through the dark bedroom to the bathroom and went. When I stood up, to my horror, I saw a toilet full of bright red blood. Not spotting, not "old blood" as the Drs like to call it, but a crime scene in my toilet (Once again, sorry boys).

Jeremy and I made our way to the ER in complete silence. We knew this was it and we couldn't believe it had taken this long for it to finally happen.

But once again, we sat in the dark ultrasound room to see a happy little baby, swimming around and waving at us. A nice, strong heartbeat. Cervix was closed. Everything was fine.

Tell me why we decided to do this whole parenting thing again?

Long story short, the ER doc (who was an ass) had no idea what was wrong with me. As I laid there he asked,

"So I assume you are here for an ultrasound?"

Like I was some crazy pregnant lady who just wanted to see a picture of my baby.

Um, I dunno doc. I'm here because it looked like someone cut their arm off in my bathroom. YOU tell me what my next steps are.

Ugh.

Also, maybe you could be a little more rough when you are giving me a pelvic exam? I think you could jam that speculum in me a little faster and crank it up a little farther. I don't think the people on MARS can see my cervix.

Anyway, we were relieved, but still terrified. What the hell was happening?

My midwife is a saint and pulled some strings to get us in the next morning to see another perinatologist and get more scans.

Once again, everything was fine. Baby looked great and they couldn't tell exactly where the bleeding was coming from. Since it seems to all come at once, then taper off to spotting before going away (miscarriage is usually the opposite) they think it may be coming from a small area where he said he sees the membrane had lifted up a bit and blood pooled before just releasing. He also said he can't be 100% sure, but as long as the baby is healthy, we are good. I may just be one of those unlucky women who bleed throughout my pregnancy. Scary, yes, but not necessarily a problem for the baby.

He told me to take it easy for a few days and no exercise for a week (anytime I have a bleed like that). Other than that, I can resume normal activity again.

I will say the one good thing about this happening when it did, was that I have been so sick lately that I have done absolutely ZERO exercise in the past week and half before this happened. So i know for a fact that it didn't have anything to do with it. Which is what they have been telling me all along, but now I can believe it.

However, even with all that, I am seriously considering just giving up on the running dream until this troublemaker is born. At this point, I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with it. And I know J will not be cool with it either. We have had so many scares, I just don't think it's worth it. If for nothing more, than just peace of mind.

Looks like I'll be taking up power walking. Maybe I can change my blog to "A Brand New Life as a Totally Stressed Out Mother of a Child Who is Already Sending Me to an Early Grave and Power Walker."

Good Lord, how bored will all of you be after reading about my pregnancy drama and WALKING for 6 more months? I feel for you.

So, you know what FIVE ultrasounds in 12 weeks means, right? MORE baby pics. These were taken at our 12w1d appointment with the peri. After my heart settled back into my chest after the terror of the previous day, we could actually enjoy the pictures. We can start to see some more features here, which is always fun.

Enjoy seeing the kid while you can. After it's born, it will be grounded for at least two months.

The Motherload

Blogging is sort of like running, or exercising in general. Once you fall off the wagon, it can become pretty hard to get motivated and jump back on again.

There were a million times in the past 4.5 months that I thought about posting again. Lord knows I had plenty to write about. But it was always hard to get started. Mostly because there hasn't been a whole lot of running going on with me since the National Half in March. Its kind of hard to write a running blog when there is sporadic running at best.

Even though I haven't had much to say, I have been keeping up with a lot of you guys. I have seen Denise run her first ultra and Jess have her first baby. I've also seen some of you retire (hello Marcy) and I've kept up with a lot of you on Facebook. After awhile, I realized that even if I wasn't running as much as I wanted to, I missed being here. I wanted to come back.

So, here I am again. Trying to jump back on that horse. Life has been interesting the past few months.

On March 28th, 2009, one week to the day after running the National Half Marathon, I lost another baby. I didn't want to get into the drama of it at the time, I just wanted to unplug and deal with it. Losing two pregnancies in less than two years was of course, more than traumatic and suddenly nothing else seemed to matter. The thought of blogging was overwhelming at best. And sadly, this was one event in my life that running just could not save me from.

The particular circumstances surrounding the loss of this pregnancy were different than the one we lost in Miami. This one was earlier (just shy of nine weeks) and was just a simple miscarriage, which the one in Miami was not. Of course none of this made it any easier. However, once you have lost a pregnancy, a subsequent pregnancy is just spent waiting for the other shoe to drop. I spent those 9 weeks pregnant hopefully optimistic, but secretly waiting for the day something would go wrong. When it finally did, I was devastated and heartbroken, but I wasn't surprised. Sadly, I think this fact made it a little easier to heal.

We had decided to wait to tell anyone we were pregnant until after the end of the first trimester, so when we ended up telling some family and friends we had lost another pregnancy they were shocked. Unfortunately I have learned, when something unexplainable happens to you, and your friends and family do not have a scientific reason for why it happened, their first human response is to give you their reason for why it happened. This usually involves their newfound religious and/or medical expertise. I suppose this is just a knee-jerk reaction to try to "fix" things and make the other person feel better. Unfortunately, most times, it has the opposite effect.

The first time we lost the baby in Miami it was the inevitable "It was God's will." or, "It was for the best.", both infuriating responses by the way which you should never tell a woman who has just lost a pregnancy/baby.

As a matter of fact, while I'm on this little rant, I'll give you all a tip: If a woman (or man) you care about loses a pregnancy or young baby she does not want to hear your reasoning why what happened happened. Especially from people with no medical training or who have not met God personally. All she wants from you, is for you to say you are so sorry, that you will be there for her and to listen to her. That's it. Trust me on this one. I have spoken to many women who have lost pregnancies since this has all happened, and this is one thing we all agree on. Many well-meaning responses from friends and family can come off as incredibly insensitive. (Stepping off soap box).

This time, things were a little different. This time, in my friends and family's eyes, there was one giant, obvious reason for why I lost the pregnancy - running. The first response I got from most of my family and friends was an earful about how I shouldn't have been running while I was pregnant. And that it was no coincidence that I ran a half-marathon and lost the baby the next week.

Nevermind the fact that the pregnancy losses I had were totally unrelated (meaning there was no underlying medical reason from me not to run, which was confirmed by my Dr and midwife. Nevermind that fact that the estimated number of pregnancies that end in miscarriage run anywhere between 20-50%. Nevermind the fact that I was given the go-ahead by both my midwife and Dr to keep running as long as I stayed hydrated, didn't overheat and didn't overdo it, which I listened to religiously. Nevermind the fact that I had been training for a full marathon for months and dropped down to the half to "take it easy" (not because of a bad foot like I told all of you, sorry for the fib). Nevermind the fact that all the people making me feel guilty and essentially blaming me for for killing my baby know nothing about running (or exercising in general), think a half-marathon is the same as running 100 miles, have no medical background and haven't been pregnant in years or ever. Nevermind the fact that some of the women saying this to me had miscarriages of their own and they NEVER run.

And with all of that. And even though my Dr and midwife both told me that the running had nothing to do with anything. That running does not cause miscarriages, that NOTHING you do causes or prevents miscarriage. There is always that little voice in the back of my head that wonders, "what if...?" And with that, I was mad at all of the people who were telling me what I did was wrong. Not because I knew they were right, but because I was letting myself start to believe them a little. And that made me extremely sad.

After a few weeks, I was able to run again, but I had no desire. I was mad at running and barely made it out there. I was tired and empty and angry. It was starting to get warmer and I missed my winter running. I missed daydreaming on my runs about how I was going to be the fit, pregnant runner that other runners marveled at.

All year, I had planned on running my first Broad Street Run. But since I was barely running and had no desire to train, I knew it wouldn't be a good idea. Then, the week before the race, something came over me and I knew I had to go run it. I made Jeremy take me to the expo and we signed up just before it filled up. And even though I had only run about 4 short runs in the two months leading up to the 10 mile race, we ran it in a decent time: 1:26:19/8:33 pace. Thats the best overall pace I have ever run for a race longer than a 5K.

Running that race, was the best thing could have done. I felt wonderful and suddenly remembered why I loved running so much to begin with. Running the Broad Street Run was my first step in healing. Something all the people who had scolded me for running could never and probably would never understand.

Soon, I was back to an easy 3-4 runs a week and an easy 4-6 miles per run. I was feeling great and starting to plan some fall races in my head when life threw another curve ball at me.



This time things have been interesting (like we would expect anything else at this point).

The first few weeks were filled with very, light, easy running and biking. My pace slowed down a lot without me even trying (11 minute miles every time) which was totally fine with me. I wasn't concerned about running as much anymore as I was about staying healthy. But honestly, I didn't have a choice. I was starting to get really tired and sick right from the start.

Then at 6 weeks, I started bleeding again. We chalked it up to another loss and spent the next two days grieving and planning to meet with a genetics counciler. But after the first initial bleed, it turned to spotting (sorry boys) and then went away and came back sporadically. Since this was different than the miscarriage a few months back, we were told to go to the ER. After a 5 hour wait in the emergency room, we got our first glimpse of our tiny, little butter bean and heard the "whoosh, whoosh, whoosh" of it's beating heart over our stunned silence.

We also got a nice view of a subchorionic hemorrhage, a blood clot on the outside of the uterus that was causing the bleeding. Diagnosed with a "threatened miscarriage" we were told to go home, take it easy, and get another ultrasound in week to see if the baby was still alive.

Most people in this situation would be a wreck for the next week. But sadly, J and I are old pros at the bad-diagnosis/waiting game by now. I would be lying if I were to tell you we weren't worried, but somehow, after grieving the loss for two days and then seeing that it was still alive...it was quite a reversal of thinking. It seemed somehow that the roller coaster had come to a stop, and suddenly, I really did feel like some sort of miracle had occurred -as hokey as that sounds. Hokey or not, I felt at peace.

At the eight week ultrasound, Baby was growing and the heartbeat was stronger. The hemorrhage was still there, but not huge. I was told not to lift laundry up and down the stairs or vacuum. Oh no. Not that.

And again, I was told to just to sit and wait. They didn't have an answer to our questions on the fate of this baby. There wasn't anything they could tell me but to take it easy. Which wasn't hard since all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and sob about how the room wouldn't stop spinning and everything smelled bad. Oh, the joys of pregnancy.



An old friend (who runs while pregnant and has had a couple of miscarriages herself and a beautiful baby boy) kept feeding me wonderful advice. "It's out of your control. There is nothing you can do to cause or prevent it." With her support and the same support of my midwife, this became my mantra. As scary as that thought is, and I have lived it with worse outcomes, right now everything was fine. Worrying wouldn't change anything.

Before the bleeding, I had barely acknowledged the pregnancy for fear it would be taken away from me. But sitting in the emergency room, when I saw we had been given another chance, I knew we couldn't blow it. This baby deserved all the pomp and circumstance that every new pregnancy gets. I wanted people to be happy for it and to celebrate it was here. Not to hide it in fear. That's not the way we wanted our baby to enter into existence.

So, we spilled the beans early, which a lot of people wondered about considering our history. But it felt good. We told our family and good friends and people at work. We told them our troubles and asked for their support and good thoughts in any form possible and hoped that the power of positive thinking in mass quantities would work in our favor. And people were happy for us. Even if something did happen to this baby, at least we had this moment.

So, here we are. I'm 11 weeks, 2 days today. The thought of "being out of the woods" will never be a concept I can grasp, so we are taking it one day at a time and that's all we can ask for.

We had an 11 week ultrasound two days ago with a outcome I had never experienced in all of the 8 ultrasounds I have had with the three pregnancies - a totally healthy diagnosis. Baby was measuring 2 days ahead and the heartbeat was strong (174). All signs of the hemorrhage were gone, simply reabsorbed back into my body.





As I nervously asked the perinatologist what-if after what-if, he finally said to me,

"I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are a perfectly normal, healthy, pregnant woman."

Which I think was the single best thing anyone has ever said to me.

Crap

I have had a shitty, shitty week.

I'm not going to lay it all out again since I have done that enough on here this past year and I just don't have the energy.

Sorry to be all "whoa is me." We'll be fine, but I do need to unplug for a bit. Right now I just have no motivation for writing blogs/reading blogs/facebook/internet/running/work/life in general...hopefully it will change in a few days.

Congratulations to all of you who raced this past week. Especially all my Ocean Drive homies.

I'll leave you all with the rest of the pictures I promised from DC. Enjoy.

National Half Marathon Report

*Warning: Long-Winded Race Report Below*

Hi all, sorry for the delay. It's been a busy couple of days.

First off, I need to correct my time from my last post. I think I forgot to shut off my watch so my official chip time was:

1:55:25


Yeah bi%ches!



And since you all are DYING to know J's time, (that aren't on FB and already know) I'll post it here so you don't have to wait in suspense until the bottom of my post:

3:55:04!!!!

For those of you who are keeping track, that is a TWENTY-FIVE minute marathon PR!!!! Who the eff does that?

It just goes to show how sick he was during the Philly Marathon (and how much faster we could have run). No wonder I felt so good after that marathon!

Anyway, it was wonderful, I was sooooooo proud of him. More on that later.

So, we got up early on Friday and headed out to Washington. It was an easy drive, only 3 hours and that includes an early lunch stop at Cracker Barrel.

Yes, we ate at Cracker Barrel the day before our race. Don't laugh, we both had huge PRs. I will now eat Chicken and Dumplings with mashed potatoes and green beans before every race.

We arrived in DC and checked into our hotel around 1pm. This was my first time in DC and I have to say, it was pretty nice. It is much cleaner than I expected. Or, maybe I have just been in Philly too long (I love Philly, don't send me I-love-Philly hate mail, but c'mon, it's dirty). The only thing that I didn't like about DC was the traffic. It was awful and people drive like they do in Miami, really, REALLY bad. Philly may have a ton of traffic, but at least people can drive.

Oh, and what's with all the DIAGONAL streets in DC? Every intersection has like, 6 crosswalks. It's very confusing and deadly.

Once we parked the car, we realized we wold not be driving anywhere again until we left. While the hotel was no where near the race site, it was only a few blocks from the Metro which was super-convenient. We quickly figured out where it was and how it worked and before you knew it, we were at the expo.

The expo was nothing special really. It is still a pretty small race so the vendors were a little disappointing. I did manage to finally pick up a bondi band which I have been meaning to try forever. I also picked up this totally awesome shirt.



While the race never technically went into Virginia, I still had to have it. Mainly because it's funny, but also because the National Half Marathon shirts were soooooooooooooo hideous, I had to make up for it somehow.



WTF color is that? SALMON? It kind of looks pink and kind of looks orange but let me assure you, it is NOT pink and it is NOT orange..."porange?" The full marathon shirts were blue and much cuter. I got salmon. Stupid ankle.

After the expo, we headed back to the room, dropped off our stuff and headed out to dinner (veggie wrap with a baked potato). We were both exhausted for some reason and we headed back to the room right after dinner. Normally, this is where I post a shot of all my gear laid out, but I was so tired that night, that I didn't feel like putting in all the effort. I packed what I could, took a hot shower and quickly feel asleep.

The next morning I woke up feeling pretty good. I got ready, ate my peanut butter and bread (no toaster) and banana, loaded up on water and choked down some horrid hotel coffee. J and I both took turns going to the bathroom about 500 times and then we headed out around 5am.

Look how well my reflective hat works! I have never seen it all lit up before! I actually doubted that it even worked.



The hotel had a shuttle that rode to and from the race, but we decided to skip it and just do the metro again since they opened it up at 5am for the marathon. We got there just as they were opening the gates and we were quickly surrounded by other marathoners. Although the start was on the other side of town from our hotel, it was very convenient to get to.

We got there way too early though and it was freezing out. A chilly 32 degrees and still dark. Even though I knew it was perfect running weather, I wasn't looking forward to standing outside for 2 hours, especially since in my tired state, I forgot to pack a throwaway sweatshirt for the start. Since I had to put my jacket in my bag and check it, I was instantly freezing and we walked around trying to keep warm. We ended up taking about 20 more trips to the port-o-potties as our nerves were tricking us into thinking we had to go. But sadly, I realized towards the end, I was really just hanging out in the port-o-potties to stay warm. Yuck.

Here I am, all reflective again. Look at my gloves!


It wasn't until about 30 minutes before the start that we realized the Armory next to the start was open and runners were hanging out inside to stay warm (duh). So we headed over and hung out in there until right before the race started. Then we made one final trip to their bathroom and walked to the start.

The start was very well organized. The announcements were loud and clear and everyone seemed to line up in their correct corral. We heard the National Anthem and we were off.

I honestly don't remember a lot of details about this race, just random pieces. It seems like the whole thing went by in a total blur. Maybe it's because I ran it so fast. HA! Here are a few highlights of what I do recall:

• There were a TON of half marathoners and only a handful of full marathoners.

• The weather was PERFECT! 33 degrees, sunny and NO wind. It was a day made for PRs.

• The race opened up right away once we crossed the start mat. There was hardly any crowding at the start and it was real easy to find your groove.

• The first 1.5 miles we ran up East Capitol Street toward the Capitol building. The sun was rising up on the building from behind us and it was a blazing orange. After that we ran past the National Mall and the Washington Memorial as they glowed in the morning sun. It was easily four of the most breathtaking miles I had ever run. It was an amazing way to see these beautiful monuments for the first time.

• Around mile 4 my ankle/calf/foot started stiffening. It wasn't incredibly painful but it did make me happy I wasn't running the full. It would feel stiff and "off" the rest of the race.

• After that, it got hilly, especially between miles 4-8. As a matter of fact, I am beginning to think any old marathon can advertise as "flat and fast" nowadays. Who sets the criteria for this? It was not flat. My splits will show you what I mean. They were all over the place.

• The good news is for every uphill, there was a downhill. Mile 8 in particular was very nice, as you will see in my splits.

• There was no music on this course which was weird. It seemed quiet.

• Some mile markers were hard to read (too low to the ground) so I missed them. For those of us recording our splits without a Garmin, that kind of sucks.

• There was hardly any crowd presence. There were at a few designated spots but for the most part it was pretty empty. It didn't bother me for the half as much as it probably would have for the full. That being said, the crowds that were out were great.

• The volunteers were awesome, as usual.

• Most of the last 9 miles of the race were through neighborhoods. I had no idea where I was, but it was pretty nonetheless.

• They were tearing down some random building that we ran by. It was crazy to hear the wrecking ball smash into it while we were running.

• We ran through a couple of small tunnels which made me feel claustrophobic.

• At mile 8 I looked at my watch and freaked out because I realized I wasn't going to hit a sub 2 hour, so I sped up for a mile. When I hit the next mile marker I saw I was at mile 10 and had plenty of time. Woops.

• I never really hit a "wall" at all. I just ran steady the entire time and felt good. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with the weather.

• This was the first half- marathon or marathon that I didn't feel like I was going to die the last mile. I finished feeling really strong and felt like I could have run a few more miles (maybe not another 13.1).

• I didn't have to go to the bathroom once during the race and didn't end up going again until after we got back to the hotel.

Here are the splits:

1. 9:22(walk break)
2. 8:29
3. 8:14
4. 9:00 (walk break)
5. 8:45
6. 11:30 (big hill and walk break)
7. 8:00 (downhill)
8. 7:58 (downhill)
9. 9:02 (walk break)
10. 8:08
11. 8:31
12. 9:14 (walk break)
13. 8:13
.01. 53:43

1:55:25 (8:49 pace)

All in all it was a great race. It was definitely perfect weather which I'm sure is what led to so many PR's that day (the first three winners of the men's marathon all beat the course record and the mayor of DC PR'ed by over 10 minutes).

Before the race, I had talked to J about our plans for running. I told him I didn't want to run with him this time because I didn't want to hold him back if I was hurting and I didn't want to have to try an keep up with him. On the other hand, I wanted to PR for my half and since he was running the full and trying to hold back the first half, I didn't want to slow down to stay with him if I felt good.

I was also running my first race (half or full marathon) without taking regular walk breaks. A few months ago (after my tendonitis was already bothering me) I decided to start seeing if I could start phasing them out. It's been working pretty well and I wanted to see how I would run a race doing it, since I have already run 16 miles without them. I made a decision that I would only stop for water and that I would only take about 30 second breaks, or however long I needed to drink. And then about 2-3 times, I would make one of those water stops a full minute.

Jeremy was still doing his walk breaks, but instead of stopping to walk one minute every mile PLUS walk through water, he just planned his water stops into his walk breaks.

In our little experiment, I found that I run exactly the same pace when I take walk breaks as I do when I don't. As J stopped to take his first walk break, I told him I loved him, wished him well and kept running. About 2 miles later he passed me. Then, I passed him at this next walk break, then he passed me about 5 minutes later, etc. This went on the entire race and he ended up right behind me, veering off to finish the full, as I ran across the finish to the half.

All in all, I don't know which is a better plan. But at least I know I can run it both ways and am the same pace. And actually, because of all the hills, the last walk break I took, it was really hard for me to start again. My legs were getting stiff. That made it easier to just keep running.

After the race I got my bag from bag check which was just thrown on a table with about 2000 other bags for you to pick up with NO ONE there to help. That was a huge mistake in my book. Not sure what happened there but I don't like the idea that anyone could grab whatever bag they wanted. Plus, it took me forever to find my black backpack in a sea of black backpacks.

After I changed and ate a bagel, I scoped out a great spot to wait for J and watch all the runners come in.I had a blast cheering everyone on and loved listening to the announcer and Burt Yasso announcing everyone as they came in. They did a fantastic job.

Around 3:50, I started getting a little nervous that maybe Jeremy wouldn't come in under 4. This has happened in the past and it's never easy. I knew he looked strong when I last saw him, but you never know what could happen out there. I was suddenly worried and sad to think of him out on the course all alone.

But soon enough, I saw him come around the bend and make his way towards the finish (it's hard to miss him with his newly-grown hair).

Here's the joyous event caught on tape. I warn you, you might want to turn down your volume. I got a little excited when I saw him.



He did so great and smiled the whole way in. I was soooooo proud of him.



All-in-all it was a great day in DC.



Afterwards we headed back to the hotel (I was freezing from standing in the cold for two hours), took hot showers, ate and then walked around DC for FIVE hours. Yes, you heard right. We didn't mean to, but really wanted to see as much of DC as we could while we were there.

Of course, later that night, we were passed out in bed by 9pm. With visions of PRs dancing in our heads.