Beat the Celebrity

It's that time of year again, time to play our favorite game of the tapering season..."Beat the Celebrity!"

Aren't familiar with the game? It starts when bored marathon runners with nothing to fill all the extra time in their lives while tapering, spend infinite hours on the computer googling anything marathon related. They come across all the celebrities/musicians/politicians/models/famous-for-nothings who have run marathons over the years and make mental notes on which ones they would like to beat in their upcoming race.

I've been playing it for weeks now. It's fun to think that while some of these lucky, good-looking rich bastards may have a lot going for them, I may be able to at least beat their marathon time...or not.

Play along with me...and feel free to add some of your own!

Ryan Reynolds, NYC Marathon, 2008 (3:50)

Cute and fast, Ryan also raised over $80,000 for Team Fox while running his first marathon this year. Swoon.

Beth Ostrosky, NYC Marathon 2008 (4:15:39)

I love Howard Stern and I am super happy for him and his new bride. They truly seem happy together and it was even reported that he was tearing up at the finish when he saw her coming in. To melt Howard's heart, you must be something special. But it also kind of annoys me a little that her goal was 5 hours and she came in at 4:15. How do you come in 45 minutes under what you trained for?!!? It makes me feel a little better knowing she raised money for a good cause, Beth raised $300,000 for the North Shore Animal League. I hope to come in around the same time as her.

Oprah Winfrey, Marine Corps Marathon 1994 (4:29:20)

Everyone's favorite woman to beat, Oprah, ran a pretty respectable time back in '94 and brought a renewed interest to the sport of marathon running. It's safe to say that everyone thought, "If she can do it, I sure as hell can." This is definitely one of my main goals this year...to beat Oprah.

Sean Combs (Puff Daddy, Puffy, P Diddy, P-Douchey...whatever), New York City Marathon 2002 (4:14:54)

Everyone's favorite man to beat. As a matter of fact, when he ran this marathon, his main goal was to beat Oprah! He did that and also raised 2 million for education...making it hard to be annoyed by him for only training two months and still running it so fast. If I beat his time, I will have achieved my Goal A and be really happy.

Lance Armstrong, New York City Marathon 2006 (2:59:36) and 2007 (2:46:42)

What would happen if this guy started swimming too? I'm not beating him.

Katie Holmes, NYC Marathon 2007 - (5:29:58)

Katie Holmes and her nipples ran in 2007. Her time may not be the fasted, but in her defense, she was probably just trying to stay away from that loco husband of hers for as long as she could. The leash is off. RUN KATIE, RUN!!!! Oh sorry, it's KATE now.

Mario Lopez, Boston Marathon 2002 (5:41:41)

Mario Lopez and his nipples ran Boston in 2002 for Big Brothers Big Sisters. He blamed his leisurely pace on a gimp ankle and his slow girlfriend who was holding him back. Sure...I'm sure it didn't have anything to do with that 2 ton ego he's carrying around.

Ali Landry, Boston Marathon 2002 (5:41:41)

The aforementioned "slow" girlfriend. I'm sure it's safe to say most people don't care how fast she can run a marathon.

Will Ferrell, NYC Marathon 2001 (5:01:06), Stockholm Marathon 2002 (4:28:02) Boston Marathon 2003 (3:56:12)

I love Will Farrell (who doesn't?). I also love that he runs with his wife. He ran his first two marathons with her before he ran Boston. I also love that he ran Boston while filming Anchorman, hence the Ron Burgundy mustache. Stay classy, Boston.

George W. Bush, Houston Marathon 1993 (3:44:52)

Dubya may be feeling pretty down since the ENTIRE WORLD is celebrating the fact that he will soon be out of a job and the new President-Elect is the complete opposite of him and his policies. But at least he can find comfort in the fact that he's a pretty decent runner (for the worst president of all time). He even ran a 5k in around 20 minutes when he was 55 years old!!! That's pretty speedy (for the worst president of all time).

Sarah Palin, Humpy's Marathon 2005 (3:59:36)

Speaking of the "Worst of all time"...
Sarah Palin ran a pretty impressive time at the 'ol Humpy's Marathon (why does everything with this women have to be so easy? HUMPY'S marathon?!?!?!, come ON!). I wish I could say I will beat her time, but I just don't see it happening this year. Say what you will about this rootenest-tootenest, pit-bull-kissing, hockey player in drag (or whatever she calls herself), but she runs a good marathon (for the worst Vice Presidential nominee of all time...).

Al Gore, Marine Corps Marathon 1997 (4:58:25)

He ran it by putting one carbon footprint in front of another...

John Edwards, Marine Corps Marathon 1983 (3:30:18)

Look how fast John Edwards is! Maybe he got so speedy from running away from his pissed off wife after she found out he was cheating on her every other week. Whatever training plan works.

Kerri Strug, Houston Marathon 1999 (4:12:06), NYC Marathon 2008 (3:56:06)

I think Kerri may have run a couple more marathons than this, including Boston, but these were the only two times I found. Pretty impressive, but what would you expect from someone who can vault on a broken foot and win a gold medal in the Olympics? She's tough.

Brandi Chastain, NYC Marathon 2008, (4:11:07)

This was Brandi's first full marathon and she ran it with Kerri Strug as ambassadors for the ING Run for Something Better, a program that promotes youth fitness.

Shannon Miller, NYC Marathon 2006 (4:17:33)

I read an article about her training and she said she barely trained, didn't really change her eating, blah, blah, blah...Must be nice to be a natural athlete.

Gordon Ramsey, London Marathon, 2004, 2005, 2007, 2008 (3:46:10/2006)

I know nothing about Gordon Ramsey and I have never once seen an episode of Hell's Kitchen (I worked in the restaurant industry for 10 years and have had my fair share of screaming cooks). But when I saw that he ran four London Marathons all for Tommy's: The Baby Charity, I thought that was pretty cool.

Kim Alexis, New York City Marathon 1992 (3:51:00)

Not just another pretty face, Kim has run 8 marathons (5 NYC, 2 LA and 1 Jacksonville). That's pretty darn impressive as is her PR in 1992. I wont beat her PR, but hopefully I can beat her '06 NYC time of 4:39:04. That's close to my last marathon time. Kim often runs to raise awareness for Team for Kids.

Lisa Ling, Boston Marathon 2002 (4:34:18)

Lisa ran in 2002 and raised $100,000 for the Ali Pierce Endowment Fund, established to support pediatric cancer research in her late cousin's honor. She was always the smartest one on The View.

Jason Bateman, LA Marathon 2001 (4:57:28), 2002 (4:34:17), 2008 (4:35:22)

I've loved Jason since The Hogan Family and Teen Wolf 2. He may not be getting faster, but he's close to my pace. Which makes me love him even more.

Jonny Lee Miller, London Marathon 2008 (3:01:40)

The former husband of Angelina Jolie and talented actor from Trainspotting is supposedly an insanely dedicated runner who often runs marathons for Mencap. I think it's safe to say I wont be coming in anywhere near this time. At least not this year ;)

Meredith Baxter, New York City Marathon 1982 (4:08:30)

Who knew Mrs. Keaton was a marathon runner? And a pretty good one too!

Joan Van Ark, Santa Ana/Orange Marathon 1979 (3:35:00)

Who knew Valerie Ewing was a marathon runner??? And she was fast as hell. One question though...when did she turn into Michael Jackson?!?!

William Baldwin, New York City Marathon 1992 (3:24:29)

Another fast Baldwin brother.

Anthony Edwards, Chicago Marathon 2003 (3:55:40)

Not bad for a former nerd.

Dana Carvey, Ocean to Bay Marathon 1972 (3:04:21)

This totally doesn't surprise me. He has the body of a runner for sure. I think I also read somewhere that his brother is a running coach.

Kyle Petty, Las Vegas Marathon 2005 (4:16) Walt Disney Marathon 2006 (4:42)

Nope, don't know a thing about NASCAR. But I have read that Petty is an avid runner and ran the marathons as a fundraising effort for this family's Victory Junction Gang charity. I may have to start getting into NASCAR.

Freddie Prinze, Jr., Los Angeles Marathon 2006 (5:50:49)

Not sure what happened to Freddie's time here. It seems to me that he could probably do a little better than that.

David Lee Roth, New York City Marathon 1987 (6:04:43)

Maybe he should have "Jumped" through the course instead of running it. Wait, let me put "running" in quotation marks. Maybe if he wasn't posing like this all the time he could get along faster.

I'm sure there are a million more out there. Feel free to send them to me. Which one of these famed runners do you plan on beating in your next marathon?